OPEN LETTER TO OUR GRANDSON'S KINDERGARTEN TEACHER

Dear Mrs. Butler:

Thank you so much for your insightful report on my grandson Luke. I found it most helpful and enlightening. The portion of the report letting us know of his inability to identify shapes was most helpful. Luke was taught his shapes two years ago, but apparently needs some review work. We did a quick review and we did indeed find that he had difficulties distinguishing the difference between a trapezoid, equilateral, acute, obtuse, scalene or right triangle. We feel we have utterly failed him. We are deeply shamed!

As to the problem of being overly protective and failing to “cut the apron strings”: This takes some explanation. You have to understand the dynamics of our family and our family traditions. These traditions go back over three hundred years in our clan, and were established by our Patriarchs Jebahdiaha Moffet and Og the Magnificent, leader to the Blankenship clan. A child in our family, until the summer of his sixth year is indeed babied and catered to. But…at the beginning of the child’s sixth summer we take action!
There are three options for members of our family clan. They are as follows:

The child is given three cans (large) of Tuna, a rusty can opener, and turned over to a den of feral cats which reside in the hills of Northern Arkansas. The child is then raised by the mother of these cats. The child is not allowed any human contact, must learn to hunt and fend for himself and we require the mother cat to litter box train him, teach him to hunt for his food and climb trees. The child is not allowed to bathe other than licking himself and must learn to purr, growl and hiss at the appropriate times. Upon the return of the child at the end of the summer, he/she is placed with foster parents in East St. Louis for further training.

The child is placed with a nomadic tribe of goat herders in Northern Mongolia. The child is only allowed to eat soured Yak Milk, dried goat meat and various roots and berries, of which he must learn on his own the difference between the poison and non-poison varieties. He/she must learn to skin various furry creatures using nothing but their teeth and are not allowed to sleep with the thirty five other members of the Mongolian family in their Yurt, but must sleep out under the stars with out a blanket as God intended. Upon their return, the child is turned over to a Georgia Chain Gang to continue his or her education. We pick them up when they turn twenty one.

The child is bought a one way ticket (via bus) to either New York City or San Francisco, is given a pint of very cheap whisky. The child is placed on the bus at midnight, half drugged and not allowed to take any clothing or money. If and when the child returns, we allow him or her to apply his or her own choice of tattoos (which, by the way, is a very useful tool in teaching him or her their different shapes), given a mullet haircut and allowed to reside in the Missouri Hotel in Springfield, Mo until their graduation.

Now we realize that this is perhaps not as harsh as you would like, but in this case we are locked into the “family tradition” and have no real choice in the matter. We are sure you understand. If, perhaps, you can think of some other methods, we will be happy to consider them the next time our clan member meet.

Again, thank you for your insightful observations. We shall certainly take them to heart.

Don Blankenship